Life without Mum

I don’t even know where to begin writing this post, it’s something I’ve always wanted to write about but find it hard to talk about to most people, i don’t want this to sound like a sob story but it’s a sad one.

Growing up…

Growing up i can’t really remember too much about when we were young, i remember the constant arguments between my mum and dad, i remember living in number 10, the one with the green door, that was only two doors down from my best friend. I remember the times my mum was drunk, which was a lot (she was an alcoholic) other than that i don’t really remember much from those early days, i don’t remember any family days out or any fun moments from living in number 10, now that doesn’t mean there wasn’t any but i was far too young to remember much back then.

Living with Nan and Granch…

When my mum and dad separated, we went to live with my Nan and granch, while my dad was looking for somewhere for us to live, we stayed there for about a year, i was always close to my Nan and granch from a very young age, i stayed there every weekend or every other, up until my Nan died, then i moved in with my granch until i found somewhere to live (the house we are in now) my granch died only 1-2 weeks after we moved out but this post is about my mum.

Things were on the up…

We finally found a house and my dad found Carol, my dad was finally happy. I still missed my mum though at such a young age i found it so hard to comprehend what was going on, she was my mum and i loved her no matter what she did. A few years went by i can’t remember a lot about our relationship then but i do remember she used to send us cards with updates about how she’s doing, she was trying to get sober and she was succeeding, she was doing very well. When we finally got back in contact with her and started seeing her again, she had finally got her shit together, she was sober, engaged, she had her own home, a dog and she was happy, very happy.

The Happy times… my favourite memories..

.I loved going to her house it always seemed like a million miles away, i will always remember sitting in the back seats with my brother listening to bucksfizz – making your mind up ( i still know every word) we would always fall asleep in the back seats and wake up when we were at her home. I loved the times we had there, i can’t have a strawberry milkshake without thinking about her, she once bought me a cocktail shaker so i could shake the milkshake up, i absolutely loved it. Every time i would go there id have new clothes, CD’s (a lot of S club and S club juniors. I think she was trying to make up for lost time) She also bought me life size baby china dolls, i had three of these altogether, unfortunately two of them have broken but I’ve still got one (the only thing I’ve got from my mum other than a card) i hope to one day pass it down to Aria, i hope she will

cherish it as much as i do. We would always play Donkey Kong on the game cube while waiting for dinner, me and my brother spent a lot of time on there, arguing a lot because i was shit at it. Then after dinner it was time to take sweep (the dog) for a walk.

Downward spiral…

We only went to my mums for a short space of time but i’m so grateful for that time or i wouldn’t of had the good times to look back on. My mum also had a love for healing crystals, which I’ve recently been looking in to i’d love my own collection, i love how they are all so different and unique. Anyway things didn’t stay happy for too long, i remember a argument between her and my brother, what about god knows but he didn’t want to go to see her for a bit. I still wanted to see her but i didn’t want to go to her house because i was still nervous in case she was back on the drink. Her and her partner broke up, god knows where she was living but i do remember the last time i saw my mum and unfortunately it wasn’t a good memory to have, she met me in town and took me to the pub, left me in the corner with a our coats and a bunch of drunk men around me, while she was at the bar drinking. When we finally left and we had walked far enough that i knew where we were i ran home and told my dad everything, crying my eyes out and he told her i didn’t want to see her, little did i know that was the last time i did see her.

This is where it gets hard to write…

I’ve spent a good 10-15 minutes staring at the page trying to write this part, this part is always so hard to tell anyone in person because every time i do, i get this nervous laugh (it’s not funny one bit, i just find in certain situations i find hard to accept or acknowledge i get a nervous laugh and because i know exactly how people react every time)  i remember the knock at the door from the police and my dad telling us to go upstairs, my best friend was actually there at the time too. So we did as we were told but we were young so of course we were trying to listen, we didn’t hear anything. My dad came upstairs and told me to come into my brothers room and for Sophie to stay in my room and then he told us our mum had died. I didn’t cry, i didn’t know what to do i was in complete and utter shock, i went into the bedroom and told Sophie, did my usual nervous laugh when telling her (which makes me feel sick to think about) and that was that. It didn’t sink in for a while it only really hit me as i started understanding stuff more and needing her more, i was only 11 when she died but now thinking about her hurts my heart, certain times of year are worse than others (her birthday, Christmas, Anniversary of her death, mothers day) i feel that feeling like my heart has dropped, i feel sick and i instantly well up most of the time, some days i can talk about her fine but others i struggle.

Brace yourself…

The way she died is horrendous, i wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy (this is the part that i was talking about) my mum actually got hit by a train, i know you wasn’t expecting that. Neither was i. For a long time i blamed myself, thinking she’d committed suicide, thinking if i was still talking to her then she wouldn’t of died. Truth is she had no alcohol in her system and i know she loved us, we will never know if it was an accident or deliberate but who in their right mind would jump in front of a train? perhaps she wasn’t in her right mind? I still have so many unanswered questions.

I loved her…so much…

Now just because i didn’t have your average mum and daughter relationship doesn’t mean i love her any less or need her any less. I loved my mum so much and it’s so hard knowing that the kids will never know her, that i only have 2-3 photos i can show them. That she wont be there to see me get married, it breaks my heart. I’d like to think that we could have rekindled our relationship and done mother and daughter things, like go shopping together, get our nails done or go for a meal. Who knows weather it would of been like that but I’ve imagined it so many times in my head, i’d love to have had a close relationship with her. I get so upset thinking about what could have been. I now understand what i didn’t when i was younger, that she had an illness, alcoholics don’t chose to be that way, it’s a constant battle and even though she got sober once, she relapsed but i’m so proud that she got sober for the time she did, that we had the good times as well as the bad.

Be kind, always…

I was so happy to have a girl for my first child, it was something i’d wanted for a very long time, to finally be able to have a mother-daughter bond. I hope i will always have a close relationship with my kids and that they will always be able to come to me about anything. I promise to you my beautiful babies, that even when your stroppy teens, i will try my best to not say anything i don’t mean and not to part on a bad word because you never know what can happen in life. Always be kind and don’t forget to be there for your loved ones before its too late..